Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Hump Day.

It's 7 am.  I'm looking at the clock.  Emilia is in bed with me.  We are snuggling, but she is definitely restless.  She's going to wake up.  I don't want her to wake up yet.  Bad mom.  Maybe if I stick a boob in it, she'll sleep to 7:30.  Yes.  That's what I'll do.

And we are up.  No use staying in bed because that means I'll just have to catch my baby by the ankles 25 times as she attempts to crawl away and fall off the bed.  Don't worry, she hasn't fallen off yet.  OK, Emilia, let's get up and go watch Good Morning America. 

Dogs out.  Dogs barking.  Dogs in. Oh good, the guest bathroom door was open.  Oh good, they're eating the trash.  I'll pick that up later.  At least they're entertained.  Should I feel bad that they don't get as much attention now that I have a baby?  No.  I shouldn't.  Because they're really bad.  And they have each other.  Boris, please don't hump your brother.  UGH.

Iced coffee please.  Oh good, Steals and Deals on GMA. Holy cow?! 65% off?! I want it all.  Oh wait, I don't work anymore.  No more shopping online.  But seriously, those personalized waterproof bags would be such good Christmas gifts.  For myself.  I'll text my mom.  OMG Deals and Steals today, right?!?

It's 9 am.  Yay!  Kelly and Michael are on! Gotta change the channel.  Gotta change the channel.  Seriously, I will never get over how Kelly and Michael are not on ABC up here.  What the heck?  It's like I'm living in some alternate universe.  Emi, do you have the remote?!  I'm probably ruining my baby with too much morning tv.  But Kelly and Michael are my friends.  It would be way too quiet in here without them.  I'll just turn the high chair around. 

Eat some Puffs while I get your yogurt Emi!!!! Seriously?! They are all on the floor.  Did you even eat one? Dogs in... I wonder what a serving size of Puffs is anyway? Oh my gosh.  Seriously?  75 puffs?  So Emi literally had like .000001% of a serving.  That's like negative 50 calories.  I better get this yogurt in her stat.

Nap time! Nap time! Nap time!  I should do laundry.  Or pick up the trash from the dogs.  I'm super tired though.  Emi was awake like 4 times last night... I think... I actually don't even remember when I wake up anymore.  It's like sleep-momming.  Screw it.  Instagram.  Damn... these moms and their perfectly edited, over-exposed pictures.  Why are you so perfect?  Is this what it's like to be a high schooler today with social media?  Is that why they always comment, ur soooo perfect bae??? Oh my gosh.  I get it now.  Sooo much sense.

Oh shoot.  She's still sleeping.  We gotta get ready for baby gymnastics.  But if I shower, she'll wake up and then I'll have to run out and grab her with shampoo in my hair and naked or something.  That's OK.... I can get ready in 45 minutes now... 35 minutes.... oh crap, 20 minutes.  We gotta go Emi! We gotta go! Gymnastics time!!!!! 

Aaaaaand we made it.  Baby gymnastics is basically like Sorority Rush for stay at home mommies.  Except without the matching American Apparel shirts.  And the singing.  Well, actually, with the singing.  Just a little less If You Wanna Be My Sister to the tune of Spice Girls and more Shake My Sillies Out. This song is seriously so catchy... I'm gonna shake, shake, shake my sillies out.  

Oh gosh.  That mom is totally going to ask for my number after class.  I'm really not into her.  I don't want a play date with that mom.  Maybe I'll just take her number instead and like, not text her.  Ugh.  That definitely won't work.  I see her like every week here.  Then I'll be, like, the bitchy, elitist sorority that doesn't give anyone who isn't rich and gorgeous a bid.  That's not me.  I'm like the sporty, well-liked sorority that has all the cool nice girls.  If, you know, sporty means, wearing a Lululemon top, yoga pants, and Nike's to baby gymnastics even though I definitely did not work out today.  And well-liked means having like 3 friends.  Ugh... I need more friends.  Yeah, sure, we should totally have a play date.  Here's my number!

On our way home.... You can go to sleep if you want my sweet girl.  

Ten minutes from home... OK, nevermind, please don't fall asleep now, Em.

Two seconds from home... STAY AWAKE! WOOHOO! PARTAY!!!! GIRLS ON MINNIE'S STREET KNOOOOOOWWW! Aaaaaand... you're asleep.

Pull into driveway... And you're awake.  Awesome.  That was literally a 2 minute nap.  How are you so sprightly and energized? You were asleep for literally 2 minutes. 

Maybe she'll go back to sleep?  I mean, it never happens, but maybe today is the day?  Let's go to the boobie bar, sweet girl.  Awww, so sweet, she's petting my arm fat.  OK, wow, I need to clip her nails.  And she's scratching.  She's scratching my arm, but her eyes are closed.  You can do this Caitlin.  Am I bleeding? Whatever, it's worth it.  I think she's asleep.  I'll just sneak into her room and lay her.... damnit.  It never works.  Seriously, how are your eyes so big, Emi? It's like you're mocking me with your big, round, wide open eyeballs.  Ughh, fine! Let's go play!

It is way too quiet in here.  When does Ellen come back?  Ooo!  Elsa, is totally joining Once Upon a Time.  I'm going to rewatch in preparation. Netflix time! Holy smokes, those trolls are so terrifying.  Look over here! Look over here! We are playing! Lalalalalala! I wonder when Dan is coming home?

Yes! Daddy is home!  Here.  Hold her.  I've had to pee since 10:45 am.  Oh my gosh, how was work? Great.  Why don't you get her some dinner while I cook? Yeah, I know she throws like all of the puffs on the floor.  Boris! Simon!

Let's take a bath.  A bubbly wubbly bath.  Seriously, those Disney Junior songs are so catch.  Emi! Stay on your booty please!

Ahhhhhh.... we made it.  I should just go to sleep.  Today was seriously so exhausting.  If I went to sleep now, I could get like 10 hours of sleep.  That would be amazing.  I would be like the most amazing woman tomorrow.  But then I've had like seriously no alone time.  I'll just watch some tv.  Awesome.  Behind the making of Frozen.  Ugh, seriously, these Instagram moms are so perfect. Who has time to turn a pancake into a cute little fishy with cheerio bubbles? And how do they even have money for all these little hipster baby clothes? They stay at home too! I don't get it. 

Crap... it's midnight. And everyone's asleep.  I did it.  Hump Day is over.  One day closer to the weekend.  Which really means nothing anymore.

 Here is a pic of Emi and I cuddling in the morning caught by my fabulous husband.  It's edited to protect your eyeballs.  But all the brightening in the world doesn't hide my horrendous roots.  Hashtag real life yo.  XOXO, Caitlin